You would never know the guy is HIV positive. He looks healthy; talking animatedly and sharing his story openly. So, in marking World Aids Day on December 1, Malaysian Today shares the story of a young person living with HIV - through his words. Here is Jamie's Story.

 

April, 2006

Too 'syiok' already.

So, I didn't use the condom. Those were the only two times I had unprotected sex with another man. It was in that moment where heat, lust and passion took over everything, precautions as well. Even though I knew I would be at risk, my partner didn't want to wear a condom and I was too excited to protest.

Now I'm HIV positive.

 

Everything's come apart

I've always known what I wanted to do in life. Even during my days in university, I have known my direction. I knew I wanted to pave my career path in Singapore. I was 24, young, ambitious and yes, I am a gay man - I had known also that the 'gay' culture in Singapore is much more open, and bars and clubs are easy places to get a quick 'hook-up'.

After I graduated as a Civil Engineer in Johor, I made my way to work in Singapore. Everything went according to plan and everything was in order.

A few months later, I managed to find a new job with better prospects, and the company wanted me to give a sample of my blood for a medical exam with a panel clinic.

While these blood tests usually take only a week, mine was delayed for almost two weeks. Each time I called the results would still not be out - finally, they told me that there was something wrong with my blood and that they would have to send my blood sample to the Singaporean health authorities.

Three words formed in my head, filling me with terror: Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). Did I have it?

I decided to get another blood test at a private clinic. The doctor there was extremely understanding; she gave me a little pre-counseling as I told her what I was going through, asking how prepared would I be if the tests show that I have HIV positive, guiding me through.

The test results came back very quickly. It confirmed my fears.

 

May 2006 to June 2006

The first thought I had: "Am I going to die?"

I could hear my career plans shattering. I will have to leave Singapore or risk getting deported - no matter what, I am still a migrant worker. What chances will I stand now as a migrant worker with HIV?

And my job... my mind was going "What about my 'rice-bowl'?" 

Over two weeks I struggled to accept the news.

Depressed, resentful, consumed with anger, I couldn't concentrate at my job. I was so furious at the other person for giving it to me, incensed at myself, and consumed with denial - how could this happen to me, I demanded of God. All those other people who sleep around and get up to all sorts of nonsense and nothing happens. I do it twice and I get it. Why me?

I felt so very, very mortal. And so very sorry that I never told my family how much I loved them.

When the company's clinic finally called up to give me the results, I already knew - in a way, I was prepared.

But I was not prepared to face the kind of discrimination I would get from the male doctor who told me I had HIV. "You have AIDS," he said bluntly. Then, with a face set in stone, he asked "What are you going to do?"

How can I describe that moment? Stunned? Shocked? Hurt? Perhaps all of those - how could he actually just throw those words in my face? I asked myself. I did the only thing I could do. I said: "I know," and I stormed out.

For the next one month, I used my weekends to go to the Action for AIDS group (which the private doctor helped put me in touch with) and they gave me contacts to the Pink Triangle (PT) Foundation as well as the Johor specialist doctors, who deal with HIV and AIDS.

But since I was still serving my one month's notice (I had then tendered my resignation), I couldn't go to Johor and seek treatment as yet.

It is too hard to describe the emotions that welled inside of me in those few weeks. They threatened to break my resolve, threatened to push me over the edge as I remained helpless. Self-destructive thoughts ran inside my head like so many tentacles of a monster born of the worst feelings in the world.

In all that, I recalled a friend of mine who once volunteered with the PT, and I called him up. He told me to come back to Malaysia and he put me in touch with doctors from University Hospital in Kuala Lumpur. With much help, I was able to obtain information about the disease, given a list of clinics I can go to, and what I can do.

By a stroke of luck, or fate - I don't know - a man walked up to me and struck a conversation with me as I sat alone and scared at the hospital. He introduced me to support groups, to people who helped me accept the disease.

He also told me the one thing that saved my life more than drugs or medicine: that death need not be my immediate fate.

With that, I felt a huge burden lift off me. I had not known that with medication and proper care, I can live a relatively normal quality of life.

I was introduced to friends and to a complete support system, which helped me gain my confidence again, and regain my life. I've never been the reserved type, and so I sought out as much help and advice as I could.

In this period of time, I had already moved back to Kuala Lumpur and was staying with my friend (who worked with the PT). "It's not the end of the world," he had said.

It took some time, but I finally believed him.

 

July 2006 until present

Although I wasn't really keen on making a life in Kuala Lumpur, I knew that this was the place I could start a new life. My friend was a wealth of information and help: he drove me around in KL and taught me the roads, and gave me knowledge that I needed about the drugs and medication.

Still, the biggest challenge was learning everything all over again. Everything was new to me. I had to learn to watch my diet and my health, learn how to keep myself fit. Late nights were a no-no, and I had to watch what I ate.

There are side effects to the medication, too: rashes, drowsiness, fatigue, numbness at the feet. Some of the prolonged side effects is lipoatrophy (uneven fat distribution, face-wasting associated with HIV-related medication) and nerve damage.

But the side effects of medication are not the only backlashes a person with HIV can face. Discrimination and stigma is right up there on that list.

I think that discrimination comes about due to lack of knowledge. When one does not understand this disease, one has fear - if you did not know you cannot get it from me just by sitting next to me, you will be afraid. It boils down to uncertainty and lack of knowledge.

Over the years, I have not faced discrimination because I keep my disease to myself and remain close-knit with my friends and support group. And by law, I am not required to declare myself HIV positive to my employers. Am I afraid to reveal myself? Maybe. But what will I gain from doing so, except averted eyes and furtive glances?

As for my parents, I didn't tell them until a year had passed. I started by leaving hints, having conversations about sex, and then I showed my mom my drawer-full of medication and explained things to her. She has accepted me, and has even shared what she knows about HIV to her friends.

It may seem completely bizarre to you, but I have never regretted anything. Not one bit.

With HIV, I became a new person. If I have never thought to appreciate life and family before, I now do. I no longer think about making money or having a job - I now think of how to have a balanced life. I've even found solid reassurance in religion. If this had never happened, I would have never made so many friends!

Most of all, I am thankful: thankful that I have shown none of the symptoms of the medication, as of now. I am also thankful for the help that the government has provided those living with HIV. Medication is free, and I have to pay only around RM300 a month for tests and such. I am thankful I have a great friend and I managed to find a job two months after I moved to KL.

In many ways, living with HIV has stripped away all my pretenses, and helped me see things in other aspects. It's given me a new view in life - and now, I wake up each day telling myself I am going to take control of my life. Now, I am pursuing a degree in Psychology - I am going to chase my dream, not my career.

Finally, I understand that a long and HIV-free life is really no guarantee to happiness. The only guarantee is if you live life to the fullest every single day. If death should come knocking someday, I think I will be prepared.