Yesterday, the world marked the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. The truth is, there is a long way to go before that day becomes a reality. In this issue, we try to get into the mind of the abuser through three victims, with the hope that anyone contemplating the unthinkable realise the crime and for those who could be or are victims, to say no to their abuse and walk away.  

By: Pauline Wong

The Man I Married - Leena

'My wife had better had dinner ready. Or else.

"Just as I guessed ... the rice is not cooked. There is no food on the table! So what if there is no water and no gas? She is a woman, and a woman's job is to cook and feed her husband.

"And now, she's going to demand to know where I've been, why I've come home so late...What the ****. That stupid whore. I've hit her so many times for asking and still she does the same thing over and over again. She never learns!

This time, it won't just be a glass bowl in her stupid face. And when she cries I'm really going to slap her until she bleeds. I f****ing hate it when she cries.

"I am boss around here. I've been working hard to provide for the family and all she does is cry. Now I'm jobless, I need a drink once in a while. It's normal. And she wants to question me? SHE wants to question ME?

That was the man Leena* married when she was 17 - the man who abused her, berated her, belittled her and tore her down for three years before she packed her bags and left.

It didn't start out that way - she was so much in love with him. Even though her family was adamant against her marrying this man (whom her brother knew as a friend), she attempted suicide by drinking Chlorox to prove how much she loved him.

And less than two months into the heavenly bliss it was supposed to be, her life went to hell.

He started plenty of things: hitting her, drinking, verbally abusing her, and coercing her to do things she didn't want to do, especially sexually.

But he stopped coming home at night. He stopped going to work. He stopped providing food for her and her growing family. He stopped being a husband. And worse yet, he stopped even taking his children to school, which resulted in her eldest son skipping school more than three days a week.

Everything just stopped making sense.

She related how he would be contrite or be in complete denial the day after the physical abuse happened. Sometimes, when it was so bad that she had to just get away, she would go to her mother's and he would follow, begging for her forgiveness, declaring his love (which he used as a justification on why he was always suspicious of her), promising to change over a new leaf.

She forgave him, each and every time. Forgave him so much she even withdrew her complaints with the police, and returned to his side - more so because she simply did not know how to get one without him.

"But he never trusted me, always wanted to control me," she said. "He wanted to know where I've been, what I've been doing - but he would ignore me when I asked him the same things. He was not like that with other people, only me."

The Man I Married - Rani

"She is crying on the floor, and there is a cut on her face. But she deserved it.

"I don't remember her being so rebellious. I have the right to go to a pub, and I don't need to answer to her.

"Anyway, she has not been a good wife. My family tells me the same thing. She isn't worth anything, and has never been a good wife even for the last 10 years I've married her.

Who is this woman? Where is my wife? I told her to be silent when the police came knocking.  Yes, I have friends and we sell a few drugs to people who need it. But what right has she to ask me where I got those pills?

Ten years of marriage and she says I've changed. What talk is that from a wife? She needs to be beaten again. She needs to know her place."

Rani* thought she met the man of her dreams when she fell in love with him - his family did not approve of her, but they were married anyway. Everything was bliss for a whole decade - 10 years, three children and a husband whom she knew and loved.

But when her in-laws moved closer to her home, everything changed. He accused her of cheating on him, said words no woman should hear - words no one should have to hear and endure. He hit her too, as and when he liked.

When the police one day came looking for her husband, she knew that hell was just about to begin. They searched the house, saying that he had been allegedly linked to gang activity and money-lending crimes. Soon after, he was caught and exiled from the state - and she packed her bags and followed him.

Nothing improved, and one day, when she could take no more, she decided to leave him. She had had enough. Turning to her children, she asked them who would come along with her.

"My eldest and youngest told me that Papa had money, I didn't, and so they will stay with him," she said. "Only my second child said to me: Mama susah, saya pun sama susah dengan Mama. (If things are going to be difficult for you, I will follow you and share the burden.)"

The Man I Married - Sara

"She would leave me, she said. Stupid woman! She would not dare do anything. She can make her thosai all day and still, she will come crawling to me in the end. Even if she goes, I will follow her.

"I asked the school headmaster where she took my son, and I come prepared. I have an axe in my hand and I will use it, even if to get the point across. She can run, but she can't hide.

"She says I do not work - but I bought a whole month's worth of food and showed it to her and parents just the other day. I have given her back all the money she gave me - sure, I used them to buy ganja and 'ice', but it is my right. "She is my wife. If I get work, I will give her money. If I don't, well, she'll just have to give me hers.

Sometimes I lose it. My drugs are to blame, not me. I've kicked and punched her a few times but that's her fault too.'

Sara*'s husband is a drug addict - he had always been, it's just that she never knew it. When she married him, he was already a hard-core ganja addict. What she found one day ended her marriage as she knew it: a 'packet' - she didn't know what it was until her sister told her it was ganja.

That knowledge upset her so much she tried to flush it down the toilet bowl, only to have him come storming in to stop her. What followed was years of moving from home to home, shelter to shelter, one day putting one foot in front of the other to continue with life.

There were spells where he would find some work, get a bit of money and things would look up for a while. Until he got hold of his next supply of 'ice' (street name for crystal methamphetamines, a type of stimulant drug) and got violent.

"You know, he was only violent and aggressive when he took ice. While he was high on ganja, he was happy and smiled all the time," she said. "We moved everywhere; every time we moved, he would get some work and then revert back to his old ways."

"He hit me a total of four times - and each time I forgave him. I forgave him because he would convince me he has changed, and he would show off to my parents the things he had bought. He would also give me money - but when he was back on drugs, the money I saved will all be gone."

Pretty soon, she had had enough. She left to stay in safe shelters but he found her each time. One time, he came with an axe and threatened death to the caretaker - which forced her to leave to another shelter, only to have the entire vicious start again.

It was only for the past four months that she has finally found peace in another shelter. 

The Violent Man

Leena, Rani and Sara's stories are stories of the archetypal abuser.

Various medical and psychological studies have profiled the abuser to show those very same actions, behaviour and characteristics.

Based on interviews with representatives from women's organisations, one common trait in all these studies is the controlling behavior which abusers exhibit. Often jealous and always immensely possessive, the abuser exerts absolute control over his victim, and the abuse used to re-confirm this need for control can be both physical and psychological.

A particularly damaging myth about abuse, especially domestic abuse, is that the abused women stay because they 'like being hit... or else, why wouldn't they leave?'.However, it is extremely difficult for the women to leave; they have nowhere to go, and no one to turn to in most circumstances.

Not only that, an abuser will have had torn down their targets so much that the abused women fear to take control and leave, and are utterly damaged.

Speaking to a senior social worker who works closely with the women's shelters, she told us more about how wife-beaters would also be completely manipulative and are, contrary to belief, also completely in control and conscious of their own violent actions.

"They are manipulative. A man who seeks to subdue his wife will hack away at her esteem with abuse and insults, maybe even hit her, and then be extremely contrite the next day," she explained. "He will be crying, and in utter remorse. And naturally, he will be forgiven. But he will never change."

In the end, what is scariest is that studies have shown also that abusers can be perfectly normal on the outside. They can be charming, witty, hard-working just as much as they can be anti-social, depressed and unmotivated. And their victims can be absolutely anyone - so long as she is a woman. 

(The three women have all since left their abusive, brutal relationships. They have found new life within shelters and crisis centres for women. They want to move on. But although it has been months and years since they broke free from their abusers, the scars left behind remains fresh - there were no dry eyes as they spoke.)

* Not their real names

Useful phone numbers

Women's Aid Organisation
03 - 7956 3488 (3 lines)

WAO Sexual Assault helpline
03 - 7960 3030

Women's Centre for Change, Penang
04 - 228 0342

All Women Action Society of Malaysia
03 -  78770224

TELEDERA
1 - 800 - 883040

Befrienders
03 - 79568144